June 6, 2025: Welcome to my very first blog post. I’ve been contemplating starting a blog for quite some time, but the right moment never seemed to present itself. Today, however, feels like the perfect day to begin.
So, what exactly is blogging? According to Wikipedia, it is “an informational website consisting of discrete, often informal diary-style text entries also known as posts.” While the informational website part sounds a bit formal, the essence of blogging is quite simple. It’s a platform where I can share my thoughts, ideas, and experiences with others. My hope is that through my ramblings, readers will find information, encouragement, or perhaps even a smile. I aim to inspire deeper respect and insight — first for oneself, and then for others. Our world needs more insight, love, appreciation, and respect. If we all try, even if only once a day, it has to help. My aim is to encourage everyone to try.
June 6, 2025: Grief has been my constant companion for seven months and counting. It has danced around inside my head, making it impossible to think, shredded my heart and scattered its pieces to the four winds, and torn apart my composure at the most inopportune times. Just when I think it has finally run out of steam and will give me some rest, it gets a second wind and off we go again. It’s difficult to plan one’s day when grief is in town. It likes to pop in unexpectedly or slowly slink into focus while I am with others. Don’t get me wrong, grief doesn’t always hang around for long. Some days it doesn’t visit at all, and I begin to think perhaps it’s over. Those are the days and times when I can catch my breath and smile. Those are the times I want to last forever. But they don’t.
Just after falling asleep, when my mind is beginning to rest and refresh for another day, unwinding the knots from the threaded memories of the day, grief sneaks back and breaks in, bringing dreams of other happier times, lost forever yet so vivid I would swear I am living them all over again. Then I wake up and reality sets in. My son is not just out of the house. He’s not just across town or in California anymore. My son is not coming home for special days or Christmas. He is planning to spend all his days from now on with God in heaven.
Grief can show up and torment my emotions, but it cannot stay forever. One day, it will move on to another and I will be free. Free to plan all my days from then on with God in heaven.
July 1, 2024: One year ago today, my family’s world was turned upside down and sent spinning out of control. We were faced with a tragedy that ripped our hearts into tiny pieces and scattered them in the aftermath’s chaos and pain. We were dropped into a vast unknown situation, with little to no guidance, help, or support from those who were in charge. The very ones who dictated each process for healing seemed unwilling to hear and comprehend or explain their decisions. The ones we had been led to believe were there for us, to help and guide and support, left us feeling abandoned, confused, and frustrated – and it continues to this day.
I have spent this past year seeking and searching for answers, trying to gain some sort of balance and comprehension in this new reality of our lives. This past year has been, and still is, full of twists and turns and unexpected events that strive to keep us off guard and vulnerable. I have spent many hours in prayer asking for a miracle, and many hours confused and angry and hurt when the miracle evaded me.
I have shed more tears this past year than any other time in my life – including the death of closely held family members, loss of love, relationships, jobs, homes, and watching helplessly as relatives and friends made decisions that would only produce injury and harm.
I have fallen into Jesus’ comforting and loving arms, only to jump out when led astray by the evil whisperings that tempted, confused, and angered me. I have screamed at God for not doing what I believed was best. I have been an unfaithful, wretched, sinful, petulant child.
Yet through all the uncertainty, confusion, sinfulness, and pain, God has never left my side. He has been my silent loving companion, walking with me, watching with pained eyes, waiting for me to simply say, “I’m sorry, Lord. I am lost and I need You. Only You can guide me safely through this storm. Please take my hand.”
When our world comes undone, breaks apart, and makes no sense what-s0-ever, our human frailty often leads us to think “this is it, this is all there is, nothing more can be done because what I expect hasn’t happened already.” Waiting and being understanding isn’t always the first response in our world today. In our humanness, we frequently expect instant answers and gratification; and when we don’t get it, we become frustrated, unhappy, and lose hope, which are steppingstones that lead us astray. And I should know, because I have followed them more than once in my life, but especially in this past year.
I found myself focusing on what I wanted, what I thought was best, and blindly followed those stones until I was lost, confused, hurt, scared, and tired. It was only when I fell to my knees in the darkness and fear, and cried out for help from God, that I was able to see the twinkling lights all around that invited me to follow them to peace, comfort, love, and hope – the extraordinary gifts only God can provide when we trust in Him.
When we humble ourselves and trust God, He joyously gives these gifts to us. He wants us to receive them, in abundance along with all His love. It is our own failings and fears that pull us back into the darkness. It is a struggle to remain steadfast in God’s grace and love, but one well worth repeating all the challenging work it takes to be there, and as often as necessary.
This past year has especially reminded me of that. As I have watched my family fight battles for healing, acceptance, repentance, forgiveness, and rejection, I have also been confronted by anxieties that wanted to pull me back into darkness and pain. I have learned that each sunrise brings its own challenges, and I must decide every day which course I will follow. Will I drift into the dim oppressive air of despair with its brokenness and deceptions? Or will I gather God’s armor and walk bravely into the uncertainty of the day? Will I trust that in all I encounter, God’s love and protection will guard me? Will I trust that He will not forsake me, that He will stay with me through every storm, every worry, every heartache, and every test?
This is the hard part. The part that I must do over, and over, and over. The part that I must keep practicing because I do believe, and practice makes one better. I must remember to seek His Holy Face, to listen to the murmur of His Holy Heart through His Word, to praise and glorify His Holy Name, to keep my spirit focused on Him, and to trust that His will is only for my goodness and prosperity.
In this endeavor, I accept the reality that I may always be a beginner. That I may need to keep practicing and repeating this lesson for a very long time. This is fine by me. My God and my family are worth it.
TL Wright Photos 